Welcome to a new feature – The Citizen Kane of Awful – where I’ll watch awful movies and provide a minute by minute commentary. Films that are terri-brill, like The Room and Birdemic, will be reviewed as such – tongue in cheek & a general laugh. I’d like to think I’m no prude. If films have any evidence of effort, or love, or care about them – they can usually win me over.
The title of the feature draws its name from a review of Movie 43 by Chicago Sun-Times critic Richard Roeper. Therefore, it only seems proper to start this apparent monstrosity.
- 00:01:00 – “What you’re about to witness is the most bad-ass, fucked-up thing you’ll ever see”. That’s quite a claim. I’ve seen Pink Flamingos. However, I’m sure many critics would remove the word ‘bad-ass’ and agree with the sentiment. So, let’s see what we’ve got. There’s two older friends being fooled by the younger geekier brother, following their attempt to perform ‘The Human Dartboard’. Nothing else really to add. The sets are perhaps overlit but y’know, that’s just me being a bitch.
- 00:03:50 – So it seems to get their own back, they’re going to distract the little brother to look for ‘Movie 43’ whilst the elder brother gives his computer a virus. I think there’s been like 3 dick jokes already. I wonder if that’s going to be an occurring theme…
- 00:05:32 – Okay, I’m quite bored already. Nothing’s happened. Why is everything taking so long? I sound a bit Veruca Salt (from Willy Wonka) here but seriously, we’ve not progressed from the bedroom, and there’s no pulse of humour yet.
- 00:06:00 – We’re off! It’s Hugh Jackman and Kate Winslet. She’s got an Oscar, and he’s Wolverine. Weirdly feel at ease.
- 00:07:10 – God damn it. The joke is he has balls for a chin. They make this joke on Family Guy almost weekly, and it isn’t funny. No matter how hard you try.
- 00:08:34 – Seriously, do something new with the joke. Or better yet, give us another joke! I’ve got balls. I know what they look like. Heck, give me a mirror, a bowl of soup and myself and I can remake this. I don’t need Hugh Jackman to do it for me. He means too much to me.
- 00:09:25 – Winslet keeps gesturing to others over the chin-balls. However, amusingly it’s almost as if she’s gesturing to her agent as to say ‘What am I doing here?’ In reply, I have no idea Ms Winslet.
- 00:12:16 – How is this still going on? 6 minutes of balls. HAHAHAHA! He put his balls on the baby’s head. HI-LA-RI-OUS.
- 00:13:23 – One down. That was tough. We managed 6 different jokes about balls, barring their general presence, in 8 minutes. God almighty.
- 00:13:30 – Quickly into Sketch No. 2 with Liev Schriber and Naomi Watts – the latter of which was really good in The Impossible. I thought I should add that in to remind myself later that she is actually really talented.
- 00:15:25 – “It should be the unhappiest time of your life” – oh you have no idea Liev. My tea’s gone cold, and this is straight up awful. The sketch revolves Schriber and Watts home schooling their sun, whilst basically bullying him into an early grave.
- 00:17:45 – This one’s a bonanza. Get your gay jokes! I got ’em fresh. Poo! Incest! It’s all here! (This movie is actually annoying me…) It’s like the T-shirt cannon that kills Maude Flanders in The Simpsons. It seems friendly yet only delivers pain and sadness.
- 00:19:00 – “Creepy. Let’s move on”. Yes please.
- 00:20:03 – Okay, sketch number 3. I’ve heard about this one. I have high hopes here. It’s directed by Steve Carr who has directed such hits as Dr. Doolittle 2, Daddy Day Care, Paul Blart: Mall Cop and Are We Done Yet? I can’t wait.
- 00:20:15 – Oh Anna Faris. I loved you in Friends, and you’re actually not a bad actress. You just make awful choices in projects. However, when you’re delivering the line “Will you poop on me?” you must ask, “what would the twins think of you?!”
- 00:22:30 – I now realize this film is not aimed at me. Yet I’m starting to wonder who it is actually for. I’m guessing the pre-teen/pot smoking 50-year-old male crowd, so I’ll try and appreciate it in that mindset. That being said, there are three guys standing around a BBQ now talking about what to eat so that it’ll come out of Chris Pratt “like a festival”. Sigh.
- 00:25:40 – I haven’t actually laughed once. I tried earlier. I felt dirty.
- 00:27:57 – We’re back in the bedroom now. The elder brother’s in the bathroom masturbating over a webcam model. I’m going to bet it’s over his sister/mother. Guaranteed. Anyway, we’ve got a Beautiful Mind/Social Network joke going on now. Still nothing.
- 00:28:36 – Emma Stone and the funny guy from Scott Pilgrim, Kieran Culkin head up Sketch 4.
- 00:32:27 – It’s draining my soul. It’s hard to be funny about things that are so unfunny. The crux of the joke is that they are two sadistic love birds who get off on each others insults. Whatever floats your boat. The context isn’t the problem. It’s just… “I want to give you a hickey on your vagina”. You can say that as a freaky joke to your other half (maybe? I’m trying to be nice) but it doesn’t work on film. We’re not in on the joke. URGH.
- 00:33:23 – Here’s Richard Gere with the iBabe. Now I know for a fact he didn’t want to be here. When asked on his thoughts about it, he replied “Other than apparently it’s a piece of shit? Nothing. I haven’t seen it.” I CAN’T WAIT FOR THIS SECTION.
- 00:33:50 – Damn it. A mislead. It’s only an ad for it. Whatever. Here comes Justin Long as Robin, Jason Sudekis as a douchey Batman and Uma Thurman (who has appeared in none of the promo material) as Lois Lane.
- 00:42:10 – I couldn’t do an up to the minute one on this as the jokes just kept on coming…Nope. The opposite. Lots of metaphor jokes about vaginas and small dicks. Also Uma Thurman is in it for about two lines, and completely disappears. She’s never referenced or mentioned again. Hang on, this sketch was ten minutes long! How?! Oh and the joke here is that Robin kissed a man. Yay.
- 00:43:11 – This is almost getting boring to write. I haven’t laughed, and the whole process feels so long and painful. Everyone looks really sad in the eyes. This next joke seems to revolve around kids being inside everyday machines (photocopiers and vending machines). There’s executives and business like people shouting at them. Luckily it’s only a 90 seconds long. By God, this is terrible. I feel this skit currently holds the title for ‘Worst Sketch’. Will it hold it by the end? Who knows? Who cares.
- 00:44:32 – Brief interlude in between the hilarity. The youngsters meet someone called ‘The Minotaur’ who warns them against discovering Movie 43. That’s it. Not even an attempt at humour this time. No attempt at explaining what Movie 43 is. It’s just a horrible MacGuffin that encases this horror show.
- 00:45:04 – Ah the moment, I’ve been waiting for. It’s the Gere.
- 00:45:30 – NO NO NO NO! Don’t bring Jack McBrayer or Aasif Mandvi into this. The joke is basically men putting their penises into the iBabe. Hilarious right? There’s no saving grace, apart from Gere. His performance is terri-brill. He clearly doesn’t give a fuck. He looks half narcoleptic when on screen. He looks how I feel. I understand Richard. I feel your pain.
- 00:49:45 – We’re onto the next one now. Chloe Moretz leads this one. The joke is that she’s having her period? There must be more.
- 00:54:55 – There’s nothing else. Christoper Mintz Plasse dances around suggesting common items to be used as blockages – sponges etc. Just when was a 15-year-old’s menstrual cycle funny? It’s just weird. There’s a strange, almost bullying, vibe at play. Calling a 15-year-old disgusting?It’s strangely misogynistic. In fact, the last two sketches have pointed at the unfair stupidity of women, which is funny…?
- 00:55:11 – Two women dive into the sea. One’s eaten. Tampax advert. You can make the connection. However, I tip my hat to the movie – two period jokes in a row! Go team!
- 00:56:09 – How is this still going? Seriously? I’m close to having an existential crisis.
- 00:56:10 – This isn’t going to help. Wikipedia reveals that Brett Ratner directed this section with Seann William Scott and Johnny Knoxville. My feelings can be represented by Abed here. The idea is that SWS and Knoxville capture a leprechaun in the form of Gerard Butler.
- 00:57:57 – What happened with Gerard Butler? I mean I enjoyed his Steven Seagal tribute earlier this year in Olympus Has Fallen but the man is the Katherine Heigl of actors. His only actions here are to repeatedly and aggressively say the words “balls”, “c*nt” and “fuck”. Good for you, Gerard. Honestly, why is this film obsessed with testes? It’s just weird.
- 01:02:55 – We’ve hit the hour mark. Thank you Buddha/Yoda/all you guys. We’re with Halle Berry (who looks VERY shiny) and Stephen Merchant. The game is truth or dare. The choices of actors from different ends of the spectrum suggest this might not be a love-in, in-joke phenomenom.
- 01:02:56 – I still haven’t laughed.
- 01:04:55 – News flash! A wry smile appeared! Only due to the reference to Benny Hill – someone who actually makes me laugh. Not the overly dated bits but stuff like this. This sketch isn’t that bad. I’m not laughing but I’m not despairing like the others. Perhaps it’s due to the fact that these characters have some form of depth? Or I’m lost in the Matrix?
- 01:05:32 – I got too far ahead of myself. Halle Berry’s just shoved hot sauce up her vagina. Classy.
- 01:10:17 – YES! I was right! He was jerking off over his mum. Anyway, the kids have set off something that ends the world. Lots of footage of explosions now. Is that a clip from the first episode of the Walking Dead? Looks really similar.
- 01:13:11 – These three are up there among the best as the worst part of this film. Poor timing and continually unfunny. They make you want to reach out and smack ’em. How did this get made?
- 01:15:30 – Surely we’re near the end? I’m counting down the minutes. Anyway, we’re with Terence Howard in ‘Victory’s Glory’ where he coaches a team of African American basketball players in the 1950s. Howard’s giving it his all. All credit to him. I may get caught out by him.
- 01:19:20 – Bravo Mr Howard. You got a laugh off me. Not a big one. However, it’s taken 80 minutes of painstaking horror to get anything so let’s just go with it. I think the constant stream of crap has dulled my mind into submission. The jokes mainly follow along the lines of “you’re black, they’re white”. Basically White Men Can’t Jump in three minutes.
- 01:20:30 – It’s OVER! YES! The credits roll.
- 01:23:37 – Oh come on! Why is there more? Really? So it seems to be a riff on Ted with Josh Duhamel owning Beezel, an animated shit terror of cat, who is out to destroy Duhamel’s girlfriend Elizabeth Banks.
- 01:24:17 – The cat is masturbating to photos of Josh Duhamel. What?! They’ve given it hairy balls and everything. Seriously, why is this film obsessed with balls!? I don’t get it. Once – okay, I’ll let you have it. There’s been so many mentions and references and views of them/it!
- 01:26:45 – This is terrible. The cat has now pissed extensively all over Banks. Hah…can’t even be bothered to write a fake mock laugh. It’s TERRIBLE.
- 01:28:33 – Banks now beats up the cat in front of children’s party. The children then attack Banks WITH KNIVES?! Screen goes to black. I think that’s it? What the fuck?
- 01:29:51 – I think it’s done? There’s ten minutes left though. Oh god I hope there’s no more.
- 01:38:01 – It’s just ten minutes of credits! Dear God! What a clusterfuck of crap this film is.
- It’s over.
- It’s terrible.
- It’s utterly devoid of new ideas.
- It’s surprisingly sexist, and very anti-women.
- This will be a blotch on every actor’s CV.
- One joke per sketch mantra.
- What the hell Mr Farrelly?!
- My head hurts
- This movie is obsessed with the male reproductive system.
To prove it, here’s a infographic of the number/type of ‘jokes’ in Movie 43. N.B. I laughed (minorly) once, and snorted once. Here’s the graph.
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